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Best of TROUTMAN:
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From: robert666@Ave.O.Losers.duh (Robert #666) Subject: Scientology cures illness Organization: Rightmost Pinball Flipper

Many years ago I knew somebody that had a cold. A really bad cold. He was grumpy, and wanted to stay home and sleep because he felt so bad. Instead, I made him do auditing because I'm a mean, greedy bastard. Let me tell you, within 10 days or so he was feeling a lot better! All due to Scientology! It sure worked for him. Now, as long as he doesn't see me during the day, he's a really happy guy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Subject: Scientology enlivens barbecues Once, many years ago, I knew a guy who was having trouble getting his barbeque started. While he sprayed lighter fluid on the charcoal, I whipped out my handy Mini-Ron E-meter Mark CLX, and audited him using the techniques available to everyone for only $799.95 (plus tax). In no time, with auditing and a match, he managed to get the charcoal started! The hot dogs were the best he'd ever had; he told me himself. He said, ''For $175 for auditing, these had *better* taste like heaven.'' Scientology: It can work for you, too. To find out how, send $100 to the address below, and include a 3x5 card with the words, ''My theety-weety needs help'' on it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Subject: scientology makes your garden grow Once, many years ago, I knew a guy who was having trouble making his plants grow. He rarely watered them and never gave them plant food. After two weeks of intensive auditing (with me, of course), he began urinating on his plants all the time. With Scientology- fortified urine, those plants just took off! And the tomatoes tasted *great*! Another success story! I hope all you newcomers are taking note of this! That's what OSA wants! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Subject: yet more amazing wins. Once, many years ago, I knew a guy who used to water his lawn. After a couple of days of auditing, he realized how much his watering was symbolic of how Scientology rains down on people, providing insight and making people generally wet. He was a really happy guy after that, though I never did see him again. It works, people! It really, really works alot. Wow. I hope my messages today have made you realize this, and I hope that from now on you will ignore anybody who claims to have the facts about Scientology and listen only to me. Otherwise, it might prove difficult to fleece you, and we can't have that. If I don't get the financial response I'm expecting, it may be necessary to spam this newsgroup with more big wins until you all comply as required. Thank you. @..@ (----) 00 ( >__< ) (--) ^^ ~~ ^^ ( || ) '''''''''''''`-...^^~~^^.... `~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


From: Robert666 Subject: Quote from "Goring Hitler's Henchmen" Organization: Raisin Packaging Factory

This originally appeared in the Journal for Stupidology and Related Scams [I was the editor in chief at the time, before becoming God]. Reading it gives one a flavor for the anti-wisdom tolerance of the Nazi's -- oops! I mean ''the Scientologists''...same thing, I guess -- and how scientology/raisinology/fornicology might be subtly carrying forward the same ideas today, dressed up under different ludicrous disguises such as ''truth'', of course. Get the book and check it out for yourself. It's available at your local, always-expanding Scientology Grimy Storefront Temple, for only $329.95, and a bargain at that. Sure, you could find the paperback at Barnes & Noble for $2.99, but you wouldn't be able to be sure that it hadn't been altered in some way by the Conspirators of Hate on The Internet. Here are some tantalizing tid-bits: pg. 96: ''The differences which actually do exist between goring a henchman versus goring an innocent bystander are no longer to be glossed over, and this can only be beneficial to bullfighting.'' pg. 98: ''In dirty sealskin pants, he gave my "kampf" a warm reception. Afterwards, of course, he claimed that he often did that in Germany and elsewhere, but I have never found anyone who was willing to admit having had that done to them by him.'' pg 103. ''His Lungs'' became president of Deep Antlers, an organization of questionable though jolly repute, and he openly admired other people's mussels and ''kampfs''. Hope this entices everybody to head right out and get a copy! My mission is depending on you! I need the bucks! Thanks, Robert #666 I am the 666th Robert to post on alt.religion.scientology. There is no other significance to this number. - -- This humorous little interlude was brou...Ruppert, are you reading this? RUPPERT! NO! BAD BOT! SIT! Sorry. This humorous little interlude was brought to you by Troutman, Defender of Sticks troutman@teleport.com


From: robert666@Ave.O.Losers.duh (Robert #666) Subject: ''Inside the Stupidology Mind'', by Me Organization: Raving Psychotic Fornicators

Here are some passages from my book that describe a religion frequently discussed here on alt.religion.stupidology, as well as some of the innocent (and some not so innocent) people who they have duped, some of which will be sacrificed tomorrow morning for our weekly Satanism Rundown. Get the book. It's available at your library, but I'd much prefer that you buy our lovely, paper-bound version with stylish black-ink print for only $237.92, available at your local Grimy Storefront Temple. Keep in mind that we *will* need cash, and that there's a door tax of $35 to get out, unless you agree to sign up for auditing sessions at a discount, pre-paid price of $75/hour, five hour minimum. Okay, yes. Yes, it *does* describe Stupidology. And all of its CURRENT executives. Come to think of it, it also describes most of our FORMER executives as well. No, wait. People never leave the Church -- forget I said that last part. Quote from the book's smoking jacket: ''Calvin Klein Casuals'' Quote from the book's dust jacket: ''To embark with a ship's crew that is truly coercive, we must begin by understanding that the pre-clear criminal will not choose to go. We must therefore choose FOR HIM his associates, his way of life, and the kinds of crimes we will make him commit on our behalf. We make him reject society, lest he render us vulnerable. We value these people only to the extent that they can be easily manipulated; in the end, he will believe that he is _entitled_ to receive our abuse to whatever extent we desire, since he can no longer justify his actions to anyone, even himself.'' - From Chapter 10, the criminal self image we give to ''Decent People''. - From page 85, ''The pattern of criminal irresponsibility has occurred throughout the life of the organization. Our deviousness and exploitation of people's work, and our self-serving utilization of people's every waking hour, reflect how we perceive the world: scornfully, and as fallow land to plow up and exploit.'' - -- This biting, thwack-on-the-butt-with-a-towel moment has been brought to you by Troutman, Defender of Sticks troutman@teleport.com


up From: greedy@whocares.duh (Bob Wallet) Subject: WALLET KNOWS FREEDOM! Organization: Grimy Storefront Temples, Inc.

Hi, everybody! Bob "Ten-spot" Wallet here! I would like to take a moment today and raise my voice in support of my comrade-in-auditing, Woody. No, not ''NUTS''. No, not ''ARS BIGOTS UNABLE TO EVALUATE DATA''. No, ''Freedom!'' Freedom, people, is what I am all about. If I weren't Bob ''Ten-spot'' Wallet the Greedy Scientologist, I would be somebody else. Hmmm... oh! ...I would be Bob ''Freedom'' Wallet the Freedom Fighter for Freedom! I would like to discuss this for four reasons. First, because Woody has used that word recently and I have a strong need to emulate him. Second, because I have been commanded by my owners in the Sea Org to write this, though I would prefer that you all ignored that fact. Third, because I have been unable to post messages to this newsgroup freely. That's right, every time I post something, I get *criticized*. Folks, the Constitution says very clearly that, ''All members of any organization that considers itself religious for any reason shall be able to say anything they want without fear of criticism.'' That's the 32nd Amendment, people, which the ever-expanding Church of Scientology will be passing very soon! Wow! Oh, and the fourth reason I want to talk about Freedom is this: ''Scientology'' = ''Freedom''! It does! Watch: SCIENTOLOGY now separate the letters... SCI E NTOL O GY drop the parts we don't need... E O add a couple of extra letters... FRE E D O M and wallah!, we get FREEDOM! That's right! This word scramble brought to you by the friendly, well-meaning though very greedy folks at your local org. Our slogan: ''Scientology: We put the O and one of the E's in 'Freedom'!'' Now, I'm sure there are one or two of you out there who still do not believe that we Scientologists are freedom-loving people. Oh, sure, we're not free to think for ourselves; we have to think the things we are told to think. Okay, and we do suppress criticism in all forms of Our Church and Our Activities. Well, yeah, we do persecute people when they leave the church. Look! If you...yes, all *right*, we do sue people that we don't like in order to shut them up, innocent or not. STOP! Look, all of this is beside the point. The *point* is, that we value the freedoms that are really important. The freedom you have to give us your money. The freedom you have to say nice things about us. The freedom you have to post ''Big Wins'' on the electronic media of your choice. <== See? ''Choice''? You have *tons* of freedom, and we want you to use it. So, your first step to total freedom is to send me $20. In return, I will send you my favorite recipes. You will then edit your list to Oop! That's my other thread; please ignore! Oop! I guess I shouldn't have said that, huh? At least you all don't know that the make-money-fast thing is an official Scientology policy. Oop! Darn! Back to RPF again; I go there every time I say something I shouldn't. Oop! - -- This humorous, little interlude brought to you by, Troutman, Defender of Sticks troutman@teleport.com


From: waterbrik@cancelled.duh (Bob Wallet) Subject: WHAT IS IMPORTANT? FREEDOM! Organization: Rotund Poisonous Fraud

Hi, everybody! Bob ''Ten-Spot'' Wallet here! Note the spelling, people! That's ''Wallet'', as in ''What Makes a Scientologist Turgid.'' Okay? Good. I'd like to come out in a completely spontaneous way, unrelated to anyone else who might have been posting here recently, to give the good side of Scientology a nudge. If it appears that we have all been sent here by OSA to try to counter a really bad losing streak in court and on, ummm, That Newsgroup [can't say it -- not allowed], well, that's just a vicious coincidence. See, the whole reason I'm here is freedom! Okay, money, and *then* freedom. We've been going to court a lot lately, seizing people's equipment and not giving it back, libeling people on...That Newsgroup, and some of you are asking why. Why? In a word: FREEDOM! Okay, money, and *then* FREEDOM! The exclamation point is part of the word; please pay attention. Oh I know, many of you ''rocket scientists''[NOT -- ha ha ha] are saying, ''Looks more like repression to me than freedom.'' Well, here's what I have to say about that. First, you left out the exclamation point. Second, the issue is *our* freedom! vs. *your* freedom (which is NOT exclamated -- get it now?). Why is this so hard for all of you to understand? *Our* freedom! is important. *Your* freedom is of no concern to us, and you can believe that it is important if you want to, but it had better not interfere with *our* freedom! As superior and enlightened beings charged with cleaning up the planet, we are entitled to do whatever is necessary to accomplish our tasks. We cannot be bothered with these wog trivialities such as individual rights, or laws, or any of that stuff. So far as we are oncerned, you exist only to fund our efforts to make everybody free. Now, that may seem a little high-handed of us, but we are just here to help. If I have made you angry, then this is simply proof of how bad you need auditing at your local Org. If I *haven't* made you angry, then you are in even more desperate straits, and you must get auditing immediately. If you prepay, you may be able to reduce the Road to FREEDOM! price tag of $350,000 by as much as a percent or two, so get right on it! Boy, what a tough crowd here in alt.religion.scientology. Oop! I'm not supposed to say that! Darn, and I just got *out* of RPF for slipping up the last time. Oop! I wasn't supposed to say that! And they're already plenty pissed for losing in court for the third time! Oop! Darn! Bob ''Back to RPF Again'' Wallet - -- This humorous little interlude brought to you by Troutman, Defender of Sticks troutman@teleport.com


up From: suburban@sissymail.dooda.day (RSuburbanR) Subject: AN ACT OF SCANDALOUS DISOBEDIENCE

Hi, everybody! (not) R. Urban here! My name's RSuburbanR! Just so you know; I wouldn't want you to get me confused with that other guy. He's such a wiener. Not like me. I'd like to spend a couple of minutes and tell you all how stupid you are, and how afraid you are of some things I know. I have this tremendous inadequacy, and I find that when I harshly criticize other people with empty facts, it makes me feel better. We can play the ''guess my 'short'-coming'' a little later, okay? (hint: there's a hint in the last sentence ;@ Whoops! Forgot to close parens: ). There. I'm such a compulsive little guy, huh? Now, I read a book once. Okay, no, I've never read a book, but I know somebody who did. In that book, a lot of people were refuting all over themselves, about the stuff you guys are talking about here. It had to do with ''The Perils of Pauline,'' where this person gets tied up on the railroad tracks by three cardinals and a bishop, and there's a whole bunch of nuns who are running the train that's going to run this person over and they get really excited only somehow it's not really a train at all but a metaphor for two bisexual guys who are having a lot of trouble reconciling their real world experiences with their spirituality. *So*, these two bi guys run over this Pauline person on the railroad track, because she never really interviewed them like she promised she was going to. See? Boy, you guys are so stupid! I should know! I have no idea what this newsgroup is for, but I can sure criticize you all for being here. So far as I know, this Scientology thing is completely bogus, and no one has joined it, and all of the people in it are fine, and any of the people who were hurt weren't badly hurt, and anyway, you are all making everything up. I think that, and that makes it true. None of you people who *claim* to have been in the Church were actually there. Puhleeeese! There. I feel better. By the way, I just thought I should let you know that in addition to being totally clueless, I also have no real life and depend heavily on the abuse from other people in forums like this (since I'm a trendy little ''netizen'' $: I like to call that ''net.abuse'' or ''net.flagellation''). Oh, sorry, out of time. Guess we'll have to play "guess my 'short'- coming" another time! Hint: I put that hint in the previous sentence as well -- get it? &] RSuburbanR - -- This fun, harmless and humorous interlude brought to you by, Troutman, Defender of Sticks troutman@teleport.com


From: c-note@darkside.moon.con (C. Millair) Subject: I have just about had enough! Organization: Rodent Polishing Floss

___ _(___)_ ()' `() WWWWW .' o o `. |o o| ..----.. (+)(+) : _O_ : | O | _www_ .': o o :`. / \ `. \_/ .' .oo__ |(")| /-o-o-\ .': () :`. \ -==- / .`---'. : -=~)) / \X/ \ (| - |).' :-======-: `. \ / .' ()o() `..`--'. | V | \ -=- / `-' `. .' `-'<\/\/\/> : ( \ :: : | | | /`---'\ .' `. / \ Okay, I have just about had it with the criticism. Oh, sorry. Hi everybody! C-Note Millair here! I am *not* Chris Miller. NOT! I am (not) Chris Miller! There... Okay, I have just about had it with the criticism. Every time I slander and abuse somebody here, you all have to jump up and call me on it. I complained about it to my dear friend and animal trainer Bob ''Ten-Spot'' Wallet, who wishes he were a true Freedom Fighter for Freedom. He told me that my right to libel people is protected by the Constitution, as soon as it gets changed, so I should be defending myself here. Oh, wait! I'm a Scientologist! Attack! Never defend, always attack! I should be attacking myself here. But...but that doesn't sound right. Hmmm...I'll have to go ask Bob about that later. Anyway, I have a new addition to my deadbeat dad list. This just burns me up. If I were really a parent, and not just playing one on The Internet, I would be really angry that other parents everywhere weren't sending me money. Come to think of it, I *am* angry that there are people who aren't sending me money. Oh! Anyway, here's my latest "outing". I just discovered this person was a deadbeat dad. I'm going to give you his full, real name, BUT NOT HIS ADDRESS OR PHONE NUMBER! That wouldn't be ethical! Okay, ready? Here goes: Elvis Presley Think about it. He's dead. He had a beat. He was a dad. He was rich. Therefore, he is a target. Oh, get a life! Don't be stupid! It's not like I gave you his *address*! And it's not like I've ever done this before! At least, not using this user account. When I was playing ''Veerah'', I liked to do this a lot, but my owners have told me to change my approach while being ''C-Note''. So anyway, I'm still really mad at all of you. Scientology continues to expand! We have won *every* court case! We are only here to help! If you were as enlightened as we are, you would understand that it is THE TRUE PURPOSE of every free and fully-powered Thetan to sit in Grimy Storefront Temples and collect money from hapless humans. You might think that they would be off exploring the universe, but you would be stupid to think that. Sitting in dingy buildings is what the universe is all about. Losing control of everything around you is actually how you *get* control of everything around you. Get a clue. I'm a laugh a minute, and I deserve better. . -- . ( ) ( (/oo\) ) ( \`'/ ) wwwwww WW ( \/ ) w"ww ww"w /__\ ... ( ) W o""o W | oo | _WWWWW_ ."o o". ( ) W ______ W (o)(o) (|_()_|) / o o \ oo " O "( ) "w \_\/_/ w" w" "w \__/ (| __O__ |) w"()"w "-===-" ( ) ww""wwwwww""ww W -====- W /|\/|\ \ \___/ / W -==- W "..." ` -- ' |||||||||||| "w w" |||||||| /-------\ "wwww" ." ". = = |||||||||||| w""""""""""""w |||||||||=========| w" "w" " = = ||||||||||||W W|||||||||=========| - -- This humorous little interlude brought to you by, Troutman, Defender of Sticks troutman@teleport.com


From: ickpray@kaiwhine.con (Robert "Prick" Davis) Subject: Whining required for Tweek Organization: Official Sodomy Association

Hi, everybody! Robert Davis here! You can all call me "Prick" if you want; it's what everybody calls me. Not sure why, though. I am *not* Rick Davis! NOT! I am [not] Rick Davis! Okay. I have been ordered by my owners in the OSA to post a crabby little message. I'm not sure why. I asked my trainer at the OSA, and he said, ''Because you're a 'Prick'.'' Well, *duh*. Like that was supposed to explain anything... Anyway, here it is: You are grasping something that makes you fail reality. You are actively involved with a criminal; it may possibly be the thing you are grasping, but I'm not sure. You are supporting an illegally-copyrighted poster which is involved with something that does not belong to it. I mean, them. You dig a hole in your mouth with each word, and it's deeper here than you realize. Do you think? What if William Shakespeare and MacBeth were on the Internet? Would they have a right to cancel each other? Do you get the message? Your rotton bunch of apples has parasites. Ponder on, dude, and after awhile, suggest I do that. Maybe after a few more raids are arrested, you will go home, eh? Why don't you try creating something mean of your own, if you have the time? Prick - -- This fun, little interlude has been brought to you by, Troutman, Defender of Sticks troutman@teleport.com


upFrom: an123456@anon.smoke.screen (Verah Wallets) Subject: KING KON II Organization: Restroom Polishing Force

ARRR! RRRRAAARRR! I AM THE HATE-O-MATIC OF SCIENTOLOGY! HEAR ME! BOW DOWN BEFORE MY SUPERIOR WEENIE! Thank you. I would now like to impress you with more of my acidic invective concerning that nice Larry Wollersheim. Understand that we have nothing personal against him; it's just that we hate him because we owe him money, and that's, like, impossible, and we Scientologists hate the impossible. It makes us worry that we might not really be in control, and that is impossible. Hmmm... Here we go: The bigger the whopper, the harder the belly, so we're waiting for our KING (L. CON) to be a flop. What guy really thinks in the first person? He can exploit the purposes of thinking to con the Internet to belong to something. I think. And yes, what NETIZENS can belong to a society when masked lemmings lift their wallets? Ho! Larry wins the Wollersheim Prize. He's flying with the colors of man, but a Con has got his ABD stuck in an Exploitation. He thinks he can lead a credit card to market, but he can't make a Netizen contain more mass than previously thought. I think. Hey, Netizens who are sniffing the Wollydogs, you look good. You might as well call yourselves dudes. Verah Wallets


upFrom: CoryBorg@witless.central.con (Koreen of Borg) Subject: Psychiatry is an aberration; I can prove it.

Hi, everybody! It's me, Koreen of Borg! Oh... I guess we haven't met, yet. Well, I'm the voice of reason here on alt.re... this newsgroup; I've been sent here to make sure all of our critics look like shouters while we in-control types are thoughtful and academic. After all, many of us MEST-masters have doubled our IQs through auditing and are approaching three-digit ones! Anyway, here's a honker for you. I was at our LA South Central Org, also known as the Armed Camp Ministry, going through our extensive but secret library of books I'm not allowed to talk about. Well, I can *talk* about them and tell you about them, but everything is still a secret. I came across a whole bunch of books proving that psychiatry is simply a Thetaperceptic aberration. I was so surprised. Here's a quote from one of these books: ''Psychiatry is a total aberration. I did a lot of research in this area when I was recovering from having single- handedly ended World War II. One day I was in a bar, investigating the speed at which ice cubes melt in different kinds of alcohol, and who walked in but Sigmund Freud. He didn't look good, having been dead for a decade, so I bought him a drink. He told me all kinds of things, and it ended up that the whole thing had been mocked up. It was all upside flubber-wubber down, I can tell you. He just pulled the thing from thin air, because he couldn't reconcile creating a fake religion with his conscience. Weak, pathetic bastard.'' - L. Ron Hubbard, ''Our Friend Gravity'' Okay, I can hear some of you saying, ''Sure, like that's an impartial source.'' Ron was the greatest scientist the galaxy has ever known, which is why he knew so much about DC-5's, but there are some pre-clear scientists who came to the same conclusions. Here's another excerpt: ''After using up my $10 million research grant, I have independently come to the conclusion that psychiatry is a total aberration.'' - Roger Ron Barnes, D.D.S, D.D. ''Psychiatry vs. Gum Disease; A Study'' And another one: ''Once, there was a man who was born without toes. At that time, he was quite young, and later grew up. Given those experiences, he entered psychotherapy, but it failed to fix the problem. I have dozens of stories just like this, where people ended up a lot worse off having seen a psychiatrist rather than going to the grocery store, or buying a car with purple tires. Really, I'd rather just smack my head into a tree than watch somebody paint a house. It's a total aberration.'' - Ellen Schmairken, ''My Life as a Lizard'' And finally: ''It has beene determinnd that the foul humours of the brainne are best allay'd by the vigorous application of a stoate to the buttocks of the madman. There be no goode come from a civill discourse.'' - Sir Reginald Forke ''Nullum Bovine Lardia'', 1635 You see, I have calmly and cleverly proven once and for all that psychiatry is Not Your Friend. I really like this new face we've put on our interaction with all of you. I'm sure we'll all be getting your respect very soon, though you clearly aren't as clever or good looking as we Scientologists. Talk to you soon! Koreen of Borg \\ )) _ _ // ((____)) (( / \ \\ ___ ____ __ ( O O ) ( ~ ~~@@ ~~~~ \ / / @@@ @@@ (@@) -- { They get Butt-steak from WHERE?!?! } { @@ @@@ _/ ( @@@@ | ~__--___--____---___--/ / | | ( ) / | | | / / |||| | / / \\ \ \\ \ ^ ^ ^ ^ - -- This humorous and satirical little interlude brought to you by... Troutman, Defender of Sticks troutman@teleport.com


upFrom: kook@majorly.crazy.guy (LSD Not Needed Here) Subject: The Case of Institutions - Addition - 2

5 April 1996 ROB-85i-B 'To All Cases One Can Short on a.r.s - Addition 2' from Ambassador Foilhead of Planet Zeebix Message # ROB-85i-2 for Internet, Planet Earth The newsgroup alt.religion.scientology, a.r.s, is about licking poisonous fish. And when I post something about Scientology then I expect, and anyone expects, the response to be uproarious laughter. Therefore I suggest that those cases who are one can short of a case of institutions who only can respond as institutional caseworkers go and find an appropriate institutional newsgroup and post their case there. I think there are newsgroups. Specifically, for this purpose, where one is even expected to post completely batty non-sequitur nonsense, like this. That is why I am here. I think. I also don't go and post in the newsgroup about Amiga computers and bash everybody up. I wait until I find somebody constructive and truthful and is a case, and then I only bash them. If you want to post to a newsgroup about quantum physics, well, then first study some quantum physics and lick a fish that *isn't* poisonous before you start in on those kinds that taste liiiike mushrooms. And even if you have studied physics and mathematics but you understood nothing but the case they came in and you ended up getting sick from the wrong kind of fish because you hadn't built up a tolerance first. Well. Some people do understand the subject of Scientology, though they do laugh a lot and run the other way. That's why they are on this newsgroup, and they have no desire whatsoever to wade through heaps and cases of institutions like this just to get to where they fiiiind out what kind of animal, you know like fish, that they are supposed to be licking iiiin order to generate this incredible sense of of of of unfounded and unsubstanciated but totally vicious state of INTENTIONAL moooing and alllll the colors of the rainbow dancing in your head. I have to go start alt.i.am.stupid.fish now. - -- Honest, this is what it looks like to me. It's hardly necessary, but.... ...this humorous little interlude brought to you by, Troutman, Defender of Sticks troutman@teleport.com
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